Do You Think You Are a Failure Because You Haven't "Achieved" a Pregnancy Yet?

If you have been reading my tips you know that I choose the tips based on what I see in the clinic week after week. Some of the information in the tips is based on my observation, listening and talking to the other therapists at the clinic about what their patients are going through and experiencing. Some of the tips come from advice that couples dealing with fertility issues have shared with me that I think would be helpful.

This weeks tip deals with a pattern that I see occurring frequently with couples who are dealing with fertility issues. It’s something you do to yourself to compound your grief, sadness, guilt, anger, and/or fear and can be changed with a little persistence and by paying attention. When I have brought this to others attention and they have changed their focus it has helped to lift a huge part of the burden from their shoulders which based on what you know about holding on to negative emotions and what this does to your physiology only improves your overall health and likely, your fertility.

So I am going to start to bring your attention to this particular pattern by asking you a question. Why is it that when you don’t conceive you think that you have failed? Why is there so much focus on ACHIEVING a pregnancy? I am sure you can remember when you were NOT trying to become pregnant or create a pregnancy with your partner. When that time of the month rolled around I don’t think you felt as though you were a failure. Back then there may have even been some relief  when the period rolled around. So what changed? Well, obviously you say, now I want to get pregnant or I want my partner to get pregnant. That is what changed. But what really changed is your focus. You shifted your focus from; I am relieved that I am not pregnant now, to; I am angry, upset, sad, (you fill in the blank) because I am not pregnant right now .

But remember, the event didn’t change at all, your focus and how you perceive that event is what changed. And this shift in focus and expectation can result in suffering and disappointment each month. So what can you do about it? Well there are actually several things that you can do about it, many of which are written about in previous tips. But I will share one specific step in today’s tip that may make a huge difference in how you are dealing with the fertility issues you were experiencing and hopefully improve your situation.

How many times have you felt like you have failed in achieving a pregnancy? Every month that it hasn’t happened? Well, I am going to challenge you to think of becoming pregnant, not as achieving something, but instead, how about if you think of becoming pregnant as creating a new life.

It may sound simple or obvious but if you are trying to achieve something, at the end of the day (or month) and it doesn’t happen, what does that mean to you?  If you haven't achieved you have ....failed. But have you really actually failed? When you use the words “achieve” and “fail” in your mind or when talking to other people you continue to reinforce that you failed if you aren’t pregnant that month. This without fail will bring on sadness, disappointment, fear, anxiety, anger, grief….you name it.

It’s as if becoming pregnant was a “goal” you have set for yourself. Is it really a goal of yours to become pregnant and have a child? Let’s define what a goal is. According to the dictionary, a goal is simply an objective. Something that you want. One part of the definition of an objective or goal is it’s something UNinfluenced by emotions.

Well, that last bit about “uninfluenced by emotions” doesn’t really fit with getting pregnant or not getting pregnant. Instead of thinking about becoming pregnant or not becoming pregnant as a goal, I suggest to think of becoming pregnant as a creation. So let’s go with a definition of “creation”: “A divine act by which the world was brought into existence” Hmm… now we are getting closer. Let’s look at the definition of “to create”.

The online dictionary says “to create is to give rise to; to produce, to cause to exist”. Now we’re talkin’

If you and your partner haven't created a pregnancy then have you failed?  Absolutely not. Do you see or feel the difference just by using different words in you language and in your self talk?

Creating, in my opinion fits nicely when we talk about bringing a child into this world. Its not simply a goal or a “success” as “success rates” suggestion, but it’s much bigger than that in my opinion. I see couples forgetting that this is an act whether natural or with assistance from science where people come together to create the gift of life. Isn’t creating a life one of the ways that you can represent and express your love for each other. When did bringing a life into this world become something where you can achieve or fail? I could go into where I think this idea came from but that’s a topic for another tip and really doesn’t help anyone shift their focus to creating life now.

I think that you when you focus on striving to share your love with the person you have chosen to share your life with, while at the same time making the time to love and accept yourself and trust your own body, out of this will come the greatest creation of all. When you do this, how could you fail?

Creating the life that you long for is much more encompassing than achieving a goal, its “giving rise” to a new life. For many that continue to take action to improve their physical and emotional well being that new life will be a child and for others when they take action and focus on what they can create, when they focus on the potential they and their relationships represent, they will “cause to exist” something amazing as well. How could you not?

Pay attention to your thoughts and the “words” that others around you use in relation to fertility. What does your spouse say?  What do you doctors or naturopaths say? What do you say to yourself? When you hear about achieving a pregnancy or failing to become pregnant, change those words and phrases to creating a viable pregnancy or not creating a viable pregnancy yet. Let go of achieving and you will feel a weight lifted from your shoulders. Create and express your potential instead.