Fear and Fertility

In the last few weeks I discussed anger and sadness and have gotten a heap of feedback.  Most were saying they felt better knowing they weren't alone and can see the benefit in letting these emotions go.  Keep in mind however that any negative emotion that you feel is important because it has a message for you. So allow yourself some time to go over the steps in these tips to get the message you are sending yourself thru the emotions that you experience.

Today we are going to discuss fear.  Many people are literally afraid of fear or being fearful.  That somehow feeling this way indicates they are not strong.  Some people always seem to be fearful about nearly everything all the time. Others fear the consequences of something that hasn't happened yet because they are focusing on what they don't want to happen.

Fear, like other negative emotions, is very valuable and when processed constructively can help us in many ways. Fear can initiate the fight or flight mechanism which is there to protect us.  It is a part of all of us and gets set off when we perceive danger.

Fear however valuable, is a stimulant emotion and if we continue to create fear by our thoughts and perceptions (and hold onto this fear instead of letting it go) then we can trigger our stress response continuously and negatively impact our physiology.  Imagine pumping the gas continuously in your car without any break. After a while you would wear the engine out. So in my opinion, its important to recognise fear for what it is and how you can benefit from it by letting it go so you can create a balanced healthy physiology.  Same goes for all the other negative emotions as well.

While dealing with fertility issues many couples are fearful they will never have a child or never have the family that they dreamed of.  This may lead to thoughts of feeling that they are somehow not worthy or they may fear they are not good enough. They may fear that something is wrong with them and want to know how to fix it.  Do you have any particular thoughts that go through your mind regarding your fertility issues? Does fear come up for you?

Several of my patients that have been through IVF attempts that have not created a pregnancy yet experience fear based on what they are hearing from the professionals.

When an attempt doesn't work they want an explanation but the very explanation that is often times given causes the person/couple to create a significant amount of fear (or other negative emotion) within themselves.

Why do you want the explanation for why it hasn't worked or why you haven’t become pregnant naturally?  Well most people would say because they want to know if there is anything else they can do to improve their situation. Sounds reasonable to me.  If they have a reason maybe they can address that reason and improve their situation. But the reality is, the reasons that are generally given don’t lead you in any direction but towards more fear and frustration.

Mainstream medicine many times has no explanation for why you aren’t getting pregnant.  What you hear many times is that everything looks good. Or your eggs are too old. Or you have PCO or the sperm isn’t healthy enough. But with the exception of some very good doctors, when you ask what you can do to improve your situation, there is no advice on what you can do.  Most doctors don’t believe there is anything you can do which makes the whole situation very disempowering. 

Fear of failure can set in very easily.  (Other emotions are experienced too but today let’s focus on fear).  Fear of not knowing, fear of not being adequate, fear of ________, you fill in the blank.

The current medical system that deals with fertility issues is not empowering at all.  Some are trying to change that and I think that is fantastic. More clinics are offering counselling services for couples having difficulty with fertility issues, fear of the unknown is still a real issue.

What can you do?  Can you change the system? Maybe, but this is going to take a long time.  So what can you do right now to improve your situation and let go of the fear you may be experiencing?

Hopefully you are focusing on improving your health through diet, supplementation (vitamins/herbs, etc), exercise, and decreasing your exposure to toxins in your environment.  But what are you doing about your emotional state? How else are you preparing yourself for the next month, the next IVF attempt or the next procedure?

Yes, its normal to experience fear.  Its actually important that you do. But what do you do with that fear.

There are many answers to this question but today I will focus on what I have seen significantly help couples who have been riding the fertility rollercoaster work extremely well for them.

Two scenarios is what I normally see that cause a person/couple to create fear.

1)     Fear of the future.  They experience fear that this medication, this supplement, this procedure won’t work.  In this case they are focusing on what they don’t want to happen and if continued you will always experience anxiety which is what results from fearing something in the future.

Instead of thinking about what you don’t want to happen, imagine thinking about what you want. Imagine what you want to happen and picture this happening for you after the event.  What happens to the fear or anxiety? If you are truly able to picture what you want to happen, they anxiety/fear will melt away. And you will feel a more balanced physiology.

2)    The second most common scenario that I see that involves fear while  experiencing fertility issues is a couple may fear that a procedure or timing intercourse or whatever they are doing won’t work because of a belief that they have about their situation.  By this I mean, if you believe you are infertile or you believe your eggs are too old or sperm are too slow, every time you make an attempt to create a child whether natural or not, I see these couples fearful of the outcome because they believe there is an issue that can’t be helped.

In this case what we have found to be helpful is to challenge these beliefs and get rid of them.  Just because a person doesn’t create a ton of eggs with IVF doesn’t mean their eggs are too old. Everyone has heard of the person who has conceived naturally in between IVF cycles or when they have “given up”. There is now research that is saying we may be able to regenerate our eggs each month and that the old belief that we have so many and run out of them may not be true.  If this research from Harvard University is true then believing that your eggs are too old certainly may not be true. You see in our society, people tend to put doctors or medical professionals on a pedestal. So that if they are saying it, it must be true. We tend to believe something if someone perceived as prestigious tells us so.

Every day we are finding out that “facts” that we used to believe aren’t true as we have developed more ways to discover more information.  So challenge these beliefs that others are telling you that aren’t necessarily true. Fertility issues are not a disease. They represent an impaired state and its your job to address all areas that can impact your fertility.  Addressing the old beliefs that you had about yourself and your fertility is one issue that many haven’t addressed.

To get rid of beliefs that are limiting you and may not be true,

1)     identify the belief  i.e. I am infertile

2)     Ask yourself when you first decided to believe that, you may come up with a certain age or a certain event.  Remember you had to decide to believe it at some point.

3)     Imagine going back to that time and if you notice there is a significant emotion present you will want to follow the steps of getting rid of emotions in our previous tips and then go on with the rest of these steps

4)     Once the emotion is cleared, imagine the event again (just guess if you are not sure about the event, trust that what comes up is what is meant to) as if you are watching the event on a movie screen in a movie theatre.

5)     Once you have that and you are comfortable that the emotion is gone, imagine yourself jumping into your body on the screen so you are actually playing your part in the movie.

6)     Looking through your own eyes now, ask yourself if that old belief is still there?  If it is ask yourself what is preventing you from getting rid of it, letting it go? And if you come up with another belief about yourself that is destructive or won’t help you create what you want, then start again from step #2 for that belief. Once you complete this process for the second belief that came up, go back through these steps to make sure the first belief is gone as well.

7)     You may find that when you go into the event looking through your own eyes that you can’t even remember the old belief or feel like its no longer there.  That is excellent because then this old belief is gone.

8)     When this happens imagine yourself back in the movie theatre running thru any other events where you may have had this belief and just check to make sure the belief is gone now.

9)     Now the big test.  Imagine an event in the future. What do you think of this belief now?

If you feel you have a lot of fear built up from past experiences in general, not just related to fertility and you feel comfortable working through these scenarios on your own, then repeat the following steps to get rid of negative emotions.  However it is important that you do not go through this process if there are any events in your past where you experienced intense fear due to trauma, phobias or other instances where you experienced intense fear. This should be done only with an experienced practitioner or counselor who can guide you through the process. 

Step one:  Acknowledge it

When there is an event in your life in which you have experienced fear, it is time to review the event to allow yourself to clear the event of any fear you may have experienced.  Simply go back to the event in your minds eye and see if when you imagine this event again if there is any fear there as you review it. If so, just acknowledge that the fear is present or you may simply know that there was fear there in the past.

Step Two:  Get the learning.

Make sure that you have removed yourself from the even for this step.  What I mean by this is imagine as if you were watching the old event unfold on a movie screen where you are a spectator of the event and watching yourself as if you were watching an old video tape of the event. To get yourself out of the event even further imagine yourself looking down from a balcony in a movie theatre so that you are above the movie or event.  From here ask yourself what you can learn from the event. What learnings can you get from this event that you can put where all of your positive learnings are stored and you can use them whenever you need them.

The learnings should be for you, constructive and something you can use in the future.

Step 3:  Let it Go

Once you have gotten what you wanted to learn then imagine the event again and see if the fear is still there.  If it is still there then take yourself out of the event again and continue to ask yourself what else you can learn to let this fear go and remind yourself that letting go of the fear is going to help you improve your physiology, your overall health and your fertility.  Is holding on to this fear, that maybe impacting your physiology really more important to you than having a child?

After completing these steps imagine yourself in the future at an event where in the past you may have felt fearful.  If you feel fear or anxiety, remind yourself to focus on what you want. And focus on feeling balanced and healthy in the future.  Picture yourself looking balanced and healthy. What would you look like? What would you be saying to yourself when you are balanced and healthy?  What would others be saying to you? And what feelings would go along with feeling balanced and healthy? Imagine all of this in the future and finally, imagine that this image is floating out in to your future and landing exactly where the event will take place.  Take a few deep healthy breathes and let it go. Now come back to the present and take action to improve your situation or continue the healthy balance you have already created.