Feeling Unsupported: Part 2

Before I send the fertility tips I review in my mind all of the patients that I have seen over the last week.  I listen to many men and women who are feeling desperate, anxious, depressed, scared, guilty, angry, sad and ______. I am sure you can fill in the blank.  What I ask myself is what have they told me they need or that they lack and then I transfer this information to them and to you.  

This week the word support just kept going through my head.  I see that women and sometimes men who are experiencing fertility issues, many times, are not supported very well.  This isn't the case for everyone. I certainly do see couples that really see the importance and significance of being, "in this together".  And if you are in one of those couples, stop reading this tip right now and go and give your partner a big kiss and hug because you are very fortunate to have their support.

For those of you who don't feel supported in your journey to have a child, if you want to stay sane in the process, it's so important to that you ask for the support you need from others and even from yourself. People usually aren't able to accurately read minds and even your partner may not know what your needs are.  As a matter of fact, if you don't tell them, they may try to console you the way they want to be consoled which is likely to be way off the mark for you.  Open up, tell them what you need.  

In an ideal world I would like to think that that is all that it would take and in some couples it will be.  But there are still others who have already asked or get no response when asking.  The partner may not have processed his/her own feelings about what is happening and just wants to shut it out to avoid the pain.  Or they may have let go of the need to parent and can't see why you keep trying.  Every relationship will be different.  But no matter what the response or way of dealing with the situation is, if you aren't getting the support you feel you need from your partner, you have two options:

1) Ask your friends and/or family members for the support:

Ask a few special friends and/or family members to be there when you need them, not necessarily for a session of "poor me" but for support in other ways.  You may want to get out, see a movie, go to the beach, or go for a long walk.  Instead of talking about all the things that are going wrong in your life, talk to each other about what you are thankful for.  

or

2) Give it to yourself

Give yourself the support that you need Friends and family are great.  Your relationship with your spouse is so important.  But ultimately it’s your responsibility to look inside yourself for the support that you need.  Be there for yourself by taking care of your thoughts.  Be responsible for what you say to yourself.  If it's not good, change it to a statement which is more supportive.  

Remember the affirmation that you can use to break the pattern of negative thoughts

"In the past I used to _________________(fill in destructive thought) and now I choose to ____________________(fill in what you want to think instead)

If you need help with this, ask, seek out professionals to help you with this.  I know how important this is as couples in our Fertile Mind Fertile Body workshops have become pregnant 3-4 months after attending. Individuals I have worked with to help get rid of their negative emotions and limiting decisions of the past have also become pregnant after learning the techniques to help give themselves support.  

It can just start with being thankful for what you have.  "We don't have the ability to attract more into our life until we are grateful for what we have."  And remember feeling guilty for not having been grateful in the past is a waste of time and energy.  Be grateful today, in the present and this will help you begin to give yourself the support you want.  Once you start with yourself, you will be surprised at the amount of support you get from others when you need it.

Start from within and you won't go without.