Focus on What You Have, Not What You Lack

In the US, Thanksgiving was just celebrated.  This is a time when people eat a lot of turkey but hopefully take some time to reflect on what they are thankful for in their lives.  It parallels what I talk about in the tips about looking at your life right now and being grateful for what you have instead of just focusing on what you lack.  Focusing on what you lack can create anxiety, a feeling of separateness, depression, feeling out of control and in some cases feeling less worthy.

Some people say to me though, if I am grateful for what I have does that mean I give up trying for a child or for a sibling for my son or daughter? My answer always is, just because you are being grateful for what you have, doesn’t mean you have to stop moving toward what you want.  It just makes that journey toward creating what you want, a more fulfilling and less stressful journey.

But how do you do this?  Do you imagine yourself pregnant or think about babies every day?  A patient of ours had a good question the other day. If you go by what DVD’s like The Secret tell you then every day you should focus on what you want and put a good feeling behind it and eventually it will come.  Is this the best way to go about getting in the best mindset to conceive?

If you would have asked me this 8 or 9 years ago my answer would have been yes. Focus on what you want. Be specific.  And do this every day while putting a good feeling behind it. But what I have found with working with couples who are experiencing fertility issues in the last 7 years is, this philosophy of how to create what you want needed a bit of adjustment for this particular group.

Thinking day and night about becoming pregnant can be quite stressful.  So the goal setting basics of visualizing what you want and every day revisiting it, tend not to work so well with fertility issues if you are only thinking of being pregnant or baby, baby, baby.  This is especially true if you look at your period every month as a reminder that you have failed. If this is how you feel about having your period then every 28-30 days for many, you get a reminder that you are not pregnant and you reinforce a belief inside that somehow you aren’t good enough, something is wrong with you or other destructive beliefs.  Most people today because of our “gotta have it now” philosophy and the perpetuating fear based marketing angle “hurry up or you will miss out” theme just aren’t that patient, so when you look at having your period (or not having a period for those with PCO) as having failed again, you add to your stress, not to your strength. (see tip ‘Running out of eggs…”)

I also believe that setting goals about having a baby is not the best angle to focus on when trying to become pregnant.  The reason? Because creating a life is much more and much bigger than any goal. Look into a young child’s eyes sometime.  What you see there will show you the vastness of what you are trying to create. This goes hand in hand with the immense responsibility that you take on when creating a life.

Goals tend to be material, monetary, or things you tick off your list about what you want to accomplish or do.  Creating a life is much more than this.

So if creating a life is much bigger than setting a goal to have a baby, then what can you do to move toward this?  As I have written in many fertility tips, shift your focus from just baby, baby, baby, to creating and receiving life.  So in essence, get your life back and start living again. Look around you and take in the life that you have created and be grateful for what you have experienced.

Work on letting go of the emotions that may have in the past overcome you when you saw a pregnant woman, baby, or small child and embrace the possibility that life could be coming closer to you.  Let go of thoughts like, “Why can’t I have that? What’s wrong with me?” And instead replace these thoughts with really feeling happy for those people that have conceived. And when you are on your own, maybe before you go to bed at night, remember all the things that you saw that day that have helped you appreciate a human’s and the universe’s ability to create life.  You can visualize having a child and the warmth that this can bring and then let it go. I don’t recommend doing this every day, but maybe once every two weeks or so. And on an every day basis challenge yourself to receive what life has to offer, focusing on creating life and optimal health.

NOTE:  Pay attention to the words used by many involved with the baby making process.  “Success”rates,

“Achieving” a pregnancy

“Failed”cycle

In your mind if you don’t succeed you fail.  Like we do on this site, change these words to something less “achieve/fail” focus like “creating” a pregnancy, a cycle that did not create viable pregnancy yet, etc.

Shift your focus also towards health.  Because all the things you do to become healthier will likely improve your fertility.  This includes seeing someone if the burden becomes too big or if you find you are having a hard time letting go of the anger, sadness, fear and guilt that a person can feel when experiencing fertility issues, get some help.

The fact that you are experiencing these emotions is normal (you are human!)but holding onto these emotions for long period can become baggage which can be detrimental to your overall health.

For the most part when you shift your focus to overall health and creating a life, while being grateful for what you have, many of these emotions that you have held on to can disappear.  But if you feel guilty if at sometime you are not grateful or angry at yourself because you focused on what you lacked then it is likely your underlying beliefs about yourself that are keeping you from truly letting these emotions go.  I have written many other tips on how to let anger, sadness, fear, and guilt go as well as how to get rid of beliefs that do not serve you and what thoughts can do to your body. Review these tips if you feel overwhelmed and remember to reach out to us or someone in your community to assist you through counseling if necessary.

So did “The Secret” DVD have it right?  In many ways they did. Focus on what you want but take it up a notch and look at the bigger picture of creating life everyday. Listen to your thoughts and what you are saying to yourself about the fertility issues you are experiencing. Adjust these to be more focused on what you are grateful for in your life.  Allow yourself to in turn experience the warmth that you imagine goes along with having a child when you are feeling grateful and focus on improving your health. And remember, the body takes time to create eggs, sp**erm, and the endometrial lining. Don’t expect to get pregnant every cycle. Expect to move toward receiving and creating life over time.  Be consistent with your program to improve your health. Give it time.

Stay the course.  Make the commitment.  It can work.