Just "Relax" and It'll Happen. Is it That Simple???

Are you sick and tired of people telling you to stop thinking about having a baby and to just relax and let it happen!?  It gets a bit frustrating when you hear people who have never gone through what you are going through, say this.

Well, this fertility tip is about how you can use comments like these for your benefit instead of allowing these people to contribute to your frustration.

I am going to show you a way to look beyond what they are saying and use this to actually improve your situation.

First let's explore why in the world someone would say this to you.  If someone has not gone through what you are experiencing they have no idea what it feels like.  Its similiar to when people who don't have children tell parents what they are doing wrong with their kids and how to fix it.   This is the same for the person that has not experienced fertility issues. They are insensitive to what you are going through because they have no idea what it's like.  If they did, they would never make comments like these.  Can you imagine for example, know what you know, ever saying to someone else, "Hey, what are you waiting for? Don't you like kids?"

But I would like to explore for a minute about what these comments can remind you of when you hear them so you can actually use them to your advantage.

Many people say "just relax", "just let it happen", or "you are thinking too much about it" because they have heard the same stories you have.  A couple trying to have a baby for years decides to adopt and then they get pregnant. A couple having IVF for 5 years without a viable pregnancy gives up and 5 months later they become pregnant.  Couples all over the world don't think about being pregnant and all of a sudden they are pregnant without even trying. This is where the comments come from.

The situations are real and they do happen so let's look at what is happening in these situations and use them for your benefit.  Right now your focus may be totally on having a child and normally I tell my patients to focus on what they want to happen. So naturally you would think it would be beneficial to continue to focus on having a baby to increase your chances of creating one.  But with fertility issues this is not always the case. Because most times you are really not thinking about having a baby or being a parent, couples with fertility issues who are really struggling are often thinking about the fact that they don't have a baby right now and what they may mean to them, their spouse, the family and society.  What are you more focused on? Not having a baby right now and what they could possibly mean about you or having a baby and trusting your body as well as preparing your body to create a healthy pregnancy. This by the way is not just the responsibility of the female, but the male as well.

Now, when I say that you shouldn't focus on not having a baby, I am not saying that you should give up hope and completely forget about it.  Most people who have a strong desire to have children would have a hard time with this. But what I am saying is to explore where the stress and negative emotions you are experiencing are coming from.

You might be thinking, "what the heck is she talking about" so let me explain with an example.

When a couple comes in to my office they are usually experiencing a variety of emotions, anger, fear, guilt, anxiety, and sadness just to name a few.  Most times the people that I see have been trying for over 12 months to have a child. What I have found in my workshops is that there is an effective way to focus on having a child without continually adding to your stress and therefore actually negatively effecting your fertility.

Let me ask you this.  When you think about having a baby and you experience negative emotions about it, are you experiencing the negative emotions because you are worried that you will never have a child?  Does your desire to have a child come from the fact that this is what you currently lack? Do fear, anger, resentment, guilt, sadness, anxiety, and hurt result from this worry. Ask yourself today, why is it important to me to have a baby?  And then when you get your answer, ask yourself why is that important to me. And if you find as you ask yourself these questions that you are focusing on what you may lack in your life then its time to change this underlying focus to come from a place of gratitude or appreciation for what you have in your life currently, versus what you lack.

When we are focused on something which comes from a place of lack, such as I want to have a baby to experience love (maybe because we lack love in our life), or I want to have a baby because I won't feel whole without a child (this may mean that a person may not feel good enough), we usually perpetuate the "lack" because that is where our focus lies.  This in turn then contributes to the negative emotion that we experience because there are unresolved issues about what it means to not have a child in our life.  

When someone changes their focus as the couples who went through IVF for years and 5 months after stopping, had a child or the couple who tried to become pregnant for 5 years and then adopted a child and became pregnant, this shifts their major focus from what they lack in their life to moving forward and improving their ability to receive life.  This change of focus to what they have and where they are going is what I would like you to begin to focus on.

This does not mean you have to forget about wanting a child or just go on a holiday and relax, but it does mean changing your focus from a place of lack to a place of love.  Love for yourself, appreciation for what you have created already in your life, and gratitude for the people that you have brought into your life.

Changing your focus in this way has helped people who have been extremely isolated and imprisoned survive create what they want in their lives.  This is documented in many books and studies on prisoners of war, Nazi prison camp survivors, etc. And I know that at times you may feel extremely isolated and even "imprisoned" or trapped while dealing with your fertility issues. Though your conditions aren't as extreme as a Holocaust survivor, your body may be experiencing very similiar emotions and stress.  Studies have shown that women going through IVF have rated their depression and stress at the same level as those who have been diagnosed with a life threatening illness like AIDS. Its time to get out of this stress mode because while in stress mode your body wants to survive and reproduction can be secondary.

Therefore what I suggest to break this cycle is when someone makes a comment about why you haven't had a child let this be a reminder to you to ask yourself, why is it important to me to have a child after each answer.  Here's an example,

Why is it important for me to have a child?  Because I value family? Why is this important to me?

Because I never had a family that loved me so I want to....

See how this sounded all nice and positive at first, but the deeper you go, the more core beliefs you will discover.  Not all of you will have something negative but its important to explore this to get rid of what you don't want and focus on what you want to create.

And when you hear yourself saying something destructive remember our steps

1) Acknowledge it (I didn't say accept it)

2) Learn from it

3) Change the thought (In the past I used to..(insert the destructive thought)..and now I choose to...insert what you want instead

4) Tell yourself to stay calm and trust

The above steps are an important start to reprogram your beliefs to stem from a place of gratitude and even abundance and allow you to create and accept new life into yours.  This will change your physiology and improve your situation.

So the next time someone says, "just relax and it will happen" instead of punching them in the nose just smile, and say, "thanks" and hopefully the thought that comes to you will be "you are right, it will happen."

Who knows, you might even ENJOY doing your temperature charts after this!!!  :) I can only hope!