Low Libido? Or Fear of Disappointment?

In the tip this week I am talking about an issue that is relatively common among couples who have been trying to conceive for awhile.  The built up pressure that is experienced by both men and women when they must perform on certain days around ovulation can be extremely daunting and in some cases keep them from being able to follow through with s*e**x or even cause some couples to avoid s**e*x all together.

To someone who hasn't had a fertility issue, this seems hard to imagine, but to the couple who has experienced problems conceiving, s*e**x can become a chore and no longer be the experience it had been in the past.  

 As discussed in a previous tip, one of the most common reasons why people don't become pregnant is due to lack of inter**course.  This seems like I am stating the obvious but frequently I see this happening. The end result is the same as if the couple had s*e*x but didn't conceive.  They are left feeling guilty, angry, sad and disappointed when the period arrives. I may get calls of frustration saying the herbs aren't working, when in fact, as I look at their charts, they have missed having s**ex around ovulation secondary to one partner being away, they had gotten into a fight around that same time, the male wasn't able to maintain an erection, or the female just wasn't in the mood.

Why does this happen?  Logic tells us that having s*e*x is supposed to be enjoyable.  Right? Well it seems what some people consider "logic" doesn't seem to play much of a role when you are talking about fertility issues!

I would like you to think about where this pressure is coming from for a moment.  It is most likely coming from two types of unconscious patterns.

The first is focusing on what you don't want to happen.  If a man is focused on the possibility that he isn't going to be able to perform, then he will be creating anxiety for himself in that situation when the "pressure is on" and be more likely to either not create an er*ec*tion or not be able to maintain it.  This occurs simply by focusing on what he doesn't want to happen. Before having any issues with fertility most men don't question their ability to perform unless they have had negative experiences in the past. But if they have never had trouble before dealing with fertility issues and now they are worried that they won't be able to perform, the physiological reaction that results from these thoughts can be the inability to perform on the spot when needed to try to create a viable pregnancy.  The opposite can happen when a man sees an e*rot*ic picture of a woman he finds attractive. So clearly what a man perceives and what he is thinking about can effect his ability to create or not create an e*rec**tion and then e*jac*u*late. Some men feel like all they are when inter**course needs to be timed each and every month is that they are simply a sp**erm donor. 

The second possibility which is actually very closely related and interconnected with the first is fear of disappointment.  When a couple has been experiencing problems with fertility and watching each other go through the highs and the very low lows it is common to see the couple experiencing difficulty having s*e**x around ovulation.  If this is true for you, you may find yourself as ovulation is approaching feeling lower libido than normal, more irritated and upset which can result in a fight between you and your partner and avoidance of intimacy and s*e**x, or inability to  follow through with in*ter*course. This may all be because you are trying to protect yourself from being dissappointed. But this unconscious process does't work too well when you are trying to create a baby because when the period rolls around you can still be devastated that you are not pregnant even though logically you know that you didn't have s*e**x.  It is a viscious cycle.

 So what can you do about it.

 First ask yourselves if you recognize some of these feelings in yourself and/or your partner.

 Talk about this with your partner and be honest about your feelings.  

Ask yourself, "Am I continuing to focus on what I don't want to happen?"  If so, begin to visualize yourself being able to perform. Remember back to when it wasn't an issue and use those images and feelings to see yourself being able to perform.  Focus on what you want to happen based on past experience.

Ask yourself if you are avoiding dissapointment.  Are you afraid that you won't conceive again and therefore are avoiding s**e*x by creating a fight?  I know it may seem absurd but I hear about this so often when speaking to couples. You can even create a low li*b*ido because as your body experiences this fear, its trying to protect you from experiencing the disappointment and physiologically the result is decreasing li*bi*do. This  physiological change is acting like a protective mechanism. If you feel you are avoiding disappointment then use the steps previously mention in our tips:

Acknowledge these feelings/thought/beliefs that come up.

Reprogram these by using the phrase "In the past I used to _________ and now I choose to ________________.

For example, In the past I used to feel pressure to have s*e*x because I was avoiding disappointment but now I choose to want to have s*e**x with my partner to share my love for him/her and to bring pleasure to our relationship.  This is just an example, remember to use your own words.

 or

In the past I used to worry about the pressure about performing when its planned but now I choose to know that I can perform at any time and this act is to experience pleasure for both of us.  Again, this is only an example, use your own words.

These steps will help you take the pressure off so you can enjoy your in*timate time together again.  And if the period arrives, is it okay to feel disappointment? Yes, of course, but then let go of that disappointment by reminding yourselves that you are doing everything you can to become pregnant.  Holding on to the disappointment does nothing but work against you in the short and long run. So remember to:

1) Acknowledge the thought or feeling

2) Reprogram it

3) Get what you can learn from the situation

4) Let it go

And remember to have s**ex at other times other than just ovulation, just for the fun of it!!