The Blame Game: Part 1

This weeks tip discusses blame and how easily it can happen in a situation where one of the partners appears to be fine, and the other partner appears to have a problem.  Blaming anyone, including yourself is not only going to make you feel horrible and disempower you, it will negatively impact your fertility as well. If I had my way, I would remove the word "blame" from the English language.  It serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever.

But what do you do when the doctor says, "Your eggs are too old", "You have waited to long" or "There is no way you can get your wife pregnant naturally with a sperm count that low".  Isn't it natural to feel guilty and blame yourself?

Unfortunately in this day and age it is common to blame yourself but as I said, this isn't going to get you anywhere.  Blaming yourself just disempowers you and brings you down which in turn can contribute to depression, and inhibiting immune function and may be even your fertility.  Studies show that women with a history of depression have lower fertility rates as well. And though I have never read a study in regards to whether depression or guilt causes fertility issues in men, I would bet my next paycheck that it can perpetuate the problem especially due to the fact that men who are depressed or feeling down usually aren't feeling so much like having intercourse.

What you CAN do is realise that you are in the drivers seat.  Instead of blaming yourself take responsibility and take action.  (I will talk about what to do if you find yourself blaming your partner next week).  Most people who blame themselves are actually taking responsibilty but end up beating themselves up and not taking action as a result.  Do whatever you can to address whatever may be effecting your fertility. Take a good hard look at your life style and see what changes you can make in what you eat, what products you use at home, how you can minimise your exposure to toxins in and out of your home, and get advice from your naturopath about what you can do in regards to diet, supplements, and other lifestyle changes including proper exercise.  Discuss your situation with your doctor and don't be afraid to ask questions or make requests.

The next step is giving yourself some credit.  When you do make positive strides recognise this and give yourself some acknowledgement.  When you hear yourself making negative comments about yourself, stop and make the decision to improve your fertility by changing the thoughts you are having.  If the blame is coming from unconscious beliefs that you aren't good enough or don't deserve any better or you aren't man enough because your sperm count is low, then this is a sign to work on improving yourself as these beliefs are undoubtedly effecting your overall health.  Check out our previous fertility tips on the Mind Body connection for how to reprogram your thoughts to support your health and subsequently your fertility. And contact us about our weekend workshops and one on one counselling that tells you exactly how to let go of these thoughts, beliefs and improve your overall quality of life.

Next, talk to your partner.  Let them know how you feel and ask for their support.  Tell them what you need from them but also realise your thoughts and feelings are your responsibility and your partner is not in charge of how you feel.  Remember however that you both are in this together and reinforce your support for each other. Let go of the blame for yourself and your partner for your future child’s sake. If you can't tell them face to face for fear it might hurt them or how they will react, write it down and set a time that you can talk about what you wrote.

Another way to stop blaming yourself is to take some time to appreciate who you are.  I am not talking about looking at the role that you play or the role that you long to play, wife, husband, future mother or father, but the person that you are.  Appreciate the goodness within yourself and realize that learning how to truly love yourself and trust your body while appreciating your own existence will help you improve your physiology and make you more able to create another life together with your partner and help you create and raise a child in a world that has optimal self esteem.   

Taking these steps will help you improve your health, your life, and when the time comes help you will be a fantastic role model for your child.  The fact that you are dealing with a fertility issue means that life is sending you a message. It’s your choice whether you want to make that message one that can improve your life, or continue to break yourself down.  You are a worthwhile person exactly the way you are. Remember that and focus on the fact that you are doing everything you can to improve your health and subsequently your fertility. And if you aren't take action now!